人間の解剖・世界の解剖

空気が読めるは美徳なのか!?嫌われたくない症候群

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「あの子って、まじKY!」
「空気読まないって、ありえねぇ〜」
とか・・・「空気読めない」って明らかにマイナスな要素として考えられていますよね?

小学校くらいから大学生
会社などの組織
ママ友さんや趣味のグループなど・・・
和をもって尊しとなす日本のあらゆるグループ・組織内で、「空気が読める」ことは大変な美徳とされています。

空気が読めない弊害・読める弊害

もちろん、空気が読めないと、本人も周りも結構困ります。
ヒトとヒトとが集まると、その集団の醸し出す雰囲気が生まれますが、空気が読めない人が一人いると、その雰囲気が壊れたり、急に空気が凍りついたりしますよね。
コミュニケーションのキャッチボールも分断され、変なところから豪速球が飛んできたり、全くキャッチできない方向にボールが飛んだりします。
傷つけられたり、振り回されたり、周りは大変かもしれません。

one-against-all-1744091_640

その人がそれでも許されるようなキャラであれば、
「あぁ、この人なら仕方ない」と思い、受け入れてもらえます。
が、そうでない場合も多い。
そうなると、その集団全体の精神性が幼い場合は、虐めの対象になりますし、成熟している場合は、常に気遣いが必要な周りに負担がかかります。

一方で、空気が読めない張本人は、結構楽だったりします。
周りの顔色関係なしで、going my wayができるのですから。
しかも、メリットもあります。
定常状態で安定しきってしまい変化が起きない集団に全く別のベクトルから作用を起こし、変化を起こすことができます。
また、一度は破壊することで、新たな創造を生む可能性もあります。
KYは、破壊と創造の力になることだってあるかも知れません。

さて、空気が読める弊害って、あるのでしょうか?

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組織の「和」を重んじるためには、とても重要な気がします。
私自身はといえば、空気がものすごく読めてしまいます。
読めてしまって、悪いのか!?ということですが。。。

実は最近、数年に1回くらいのひどい不調。
何もできないほどしんどくブログも更新できていませんでしたが、分析の結果、それもこれも、私が空気が読め過ぎてしまう為のストレスだと自覚できました。

空気が読めるは確かにそのグループ全体にはなじみは良いが、

  1. 本人が苦しい。
  2. 空気を読んで合わせるだけでは、そのグループ全体に何の発展的な変化も起こさない。

あえて空気読まない=AKYのススメ

そこで、自分にも周りにも組織にもベターな姿勢とは、
空気を読んだ上で、それを打ち破って自分を保ち、自分の主張ができる「AKY」=あえて空気読まないな姿勢だと思います。

AKYであれば、

  • 空気が読める
  • 読んだ上で、自分をしっかり保つことができる
  • 読んだ上で、その集団に必要な変化球を投げて変化を起こすことができる
  • 読んだ上で、その集団の定常状態を破壊し、再創造のきっかけを与えることができる

特に集団を運営する人間、トップに立つ人間は、空気を読んで合わせるだけでは発展性がありません。
必要な時には、AKYな態度をとることが求められるのだと思います。

でも、わかっていても、空気を読んだ上でそれを打ち破ることができず、合わせてしまうと、自分が苦しくなります。
私のストレスも、そこにあり、これまでにもプチ解放は起こっているのですが、ついに根本的に解放する時期が来たので、ここまで追い詰められたのだと解釈しました。

きっと、日本人の場合、同じような課題を持った人は多いと思いますので、私自身がどんな風にこのコミュニケーションスタイルを身につけたかを含めて、参考までにお話してみます。

今回は、L.Kさんとドクターりささんの対話形式でお届けします。

ケーススタディ「嫌われたくない症候群」L.Kさんの症例

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L.K)
最近、馴染んだ環境を離れて、全く新しい環境に身を置くようになりました。
それに伴って、患者さんも含めて関わる人数が一気に増えました。
それがストレスで、とっても苦しいです。
息が浅くて、肩が凝り、夜もよく眠れません。。
ドクターりさ)
新しい環境に身を置くのは、確かにストレスですが、どうしてそんなに強くストレスに感じるのですか?
L.K)
私に期待されている仕事があるのですが、他の重要な仕事もあるので、現状のキャパでは、それが十分にこなせません。
でも、本来はやらなければならないことなので、できないとも言いたくないし、でもできないし。。。
ドクターりさ)
できないなら、ハッキリできないと言えばいいではないですか。
L.K)
でも、やった方が喜ばれるし・・・でも、そこまで引き受けてしまうと、自分の体が持たないし・・・
ドクターりさ)
なぜ、ハッキリと言えないんですか?
L.K)
迷惑をかけるから・・・
ドクターりさ)
迷惑をかけたら、なぜいけないんですか?
L.K)
嫌な思いをさせるだろうし、嫌われてしまうかも・・・
ドクターりさ)
嫌われたら、なぜいけないんですか?自分は自分でいいのでは?
L.K)
それは・・・。なかなかできません・・・・。
ドクターりさ)
要するに、あなたは、みんなに好かれたい。みんなに嫌われたくない。と思っているのですね?
L.K)
そ、そうですね。。。なかなか嫌とは言えないです・・・。
人を喜ばせるのが好きなので、悲しませたり、期待を裏切りたくはないです。。。
ドクターりさ)
要するに、あなたは嫌われたくない症候群ですね!
L.K)
あ・・・そ、そんなにハッキリ言わなくも・・・。

この形式では永遠にダラダラと対話が続いてしまうので、解説します。

「好かれたい」「嫌われたくない」の裏返し

要するに、L.Kさんは、
・人に好かれたい
・人を喜ばせたい
・人の期待に応えたい
と思っていますが、なぜそれができないかというと、
・人に好かれない自分
・人を喜ばせられない自分
・人の期待に応えられない自分
であれば、価値がない。
そんな自分の側面を受け入れられず、自己否定しているということです。

本来、自分は自分。
どんな自分でも丸ごとOK!と受け入れていて、ありの〜♪ままの〜♪自分を認めることができていれば、こんな風には考えません。

別にみんなに好かれなくってもOK!
・別にみんなに喜んでもらえなくてもOK!
・別にみんなの期待に応えられなくてもOK!

と思うことができれば、自分らしく振舞うことができますし、しっかりと自己主張ができます。

でも、L.Kさんにはこれができません。
空気を読み過ぎて、それを打ち破ることができないからです。
新しい環境でL.Kさんが自動的にしてしまうこと、
それは無意識のうちに全体の空気、グループの空気、一人一人の空気を感じ、考えや思い、感情などを瞬時に読み取り、オートメーションでテーラーメイドで波長を合わせてしまうことです。
瞬時にどのようにこの全体の組織内、また一人一人に対して、最適な立ち居振る舞いや立ち位置が求められているかを読み取ります。
恐らく、ミラーリングニューロンは非常に発達していると思われます。

なので、人間関係は大変上手くいきますし、コミュニケーション能力も高く、患者さんともスタッフの皆さんとも大変和気あいあいと楽しくやれます。
もちろん、争いもなく、平和ですから、彼女自身もそれで良しとしてきたところがありますが、今回は、あまりに関わる人数が急に増えたことや、そこで本来期待されていることが現状の仕事上のキャパではできないことなどがあり、一気に苦しくなってしまったようです。

L.Kさんは、小さい頃から、通信簿には「協調性があり」と褒め言葉として書かれていました。
なので、この人格は、昔からなのですが、どのようにこの人格が培われたのでしょうか?

嫌われたくない症候群の作り方

まず第1に。
転校ばっかりだったことがあります。
幼稚園・小学校・中学校は全部途中で転校。
高校・大学・その後の就職は全て違う土地。
いつも既に出来上がったコミュニティに一人で乗り込んでいくことがばかりでした。
空気を読まないと馴染めないという環境に身を置いていたので、必死に空気を読む訓練をしてきたようです。

でも、それは根本ではありません。

根本は、幼少期の家庭環境にありました。
なかなか変わらない頑固な考え方や感じ方・性格のほとんどは、幼少期の家庭環境で形成されます。

大人になってから、自分でもコントロール不可能な「情動」が煮えくりかえってしまい、理性ではどうしようもない時。
それはたいてい、幼少期の体験でできたフィルターが関係しています。

  • 親子関係(母親、父親ともに重要)
  • 家族関係(祖父母なども含めて主に一緒に住む家族の関係性)
  • 兄弟・姉妹関係(仲だけでなく、何番目に生まれたかなども関係あります)
  • 家庭の教育やしつけの方針・家風

誰もが持っている心のフィルター

「たったこれだけ!万物のシンプルなしくみ」でもお話したように、感情や思考が生まれる原因は、「生まれてからこれまでの環境の中にある全ての情報」です。

母親や父親から投げかけられた言葉
教育
体験・経験
テレビなどの情報
などの全てが情報です。
特に、最も身近な愛情を受けるべき存在である母親と父親の影響は大きいものです。
それによって作られた心のフィルターである価値観や判断基準心の質=「心質」です。

今現在、自分が身を置く環境の中で何らかの情報がINPUTされると、
このフィルターを通り、過去のデータ(記憶)と照合して情報処理が行われ、
感情や思考がOUTPUTされます。

ですから、今生まれる感情や思考は、必ず!自分の過去を経て生まれてきます
だから、同じ環境の中で同じ情報をINPUTしても、全員生まれてくる感情や考え、行動は千差万別です。

L.Kさんの場合、
転校によって常に新しい環境に自分を適合させなければならない事も関係していますが、
家庭環境として、母がずっと病気で寝込んでいたことが最も強く関係していました。
母の病気が悪くなったのは自分のせいだという罪悪感を持ち、
母を喜ばせなければ、
母を悲しませないようにしなければ、
期待に応えていい子でいなければ、
などという思いから、母の顔色を読み、気配を読み、立ち居振舞うというコミュニケーションを身につけました。

これが、その後の全ての人間関係に応用されてしまい、
人とのコミュニケーションで、
「人に好かれなければならない」
「人を喜ばせなければならない」
「人の期待に応えなければならない」
という「〜ねばならない」「〜べきだ」というフィルターを作ってしまったというわけです。
それができない自分を否定してしまうのは、それができないと「母親の病気が悪くなる」「母親が悲しむ」ことが辛いからだということがわかりました。

空気が読めてしまい、かつ、「嫌われたくない症候群」で合わせてしまう人は、状況は違えどだいたい、何らかの家庭環境で親の顔色を伺う必要があったという場合が多いと思います。
もしかしたら、強烈な体験があったかもしれません。
忘れてしまうくらいタンスの引き出しの奥にしまいこんだ記憶。
それが、情動の原因かもしれません。

ちなみに、親自身は特に子供に顔色を伺って欲しいなどちっとも思っていない場合がほとんどですが、子供は親が好きなので「愛して欲しい」し「愛している」から顔色を伺っているんですね。

今の人間関係を通して、根本的には深い愛情で結ばれるべき親との関係性の中で苦しんでいるのです。

L.Kさんの場合、
強いフィルターの原因になる幼少期の強烈な体験を思い出しました。
そして、小さい頃、そのことで辛かった感情のエネルギーを涙とともに出し切って解放しました。

「認識する」
これが大事です。
タンスの奥の奥の奥の方にしまわれた記憶を表に引っ張り出すことで認識し、チャージされた感情エネルギーごと全部出し切ること。
これによって、解放が起こり、エネルギーチャージがなくなります
これが可能なのは、私が知る限りではインナーチャイルドのセッション。
今回は、夜中に自力でやってみました。
L.Kさん、夜中に大泣きです。
ですが、これは、自分自身でこっぱずかしいし、大変な労力がいるので、あまり、好きではありません。

それよりも楽チンな上、さらにその記憶やフィルターとバランスを崩した臓器や内分泌、体の各パーツ、エネルギーなどと全てバランスが取れるので、すごくいいと思うのは「Body Talk」のセッションです。
Body Talkはこのテーマに関わることを3回ほど受けて、とうとう根っこから解放できたかな?という感じ。

ここまで書いて、我ながら、あぁめんどくさい!もういらんっ!って感じです。

周波数レベルでいうと、常に周りの空気を読んで合わせているということは、
常に自分にとって最適な周波数とはズレているということです。
環境や場の周波数にも影響を受け過ぎてしまうと、人混みや繁華街などの場所を通ることすら苦痛になってしまいます。

もともと、この世界は一つのソースから常に生まれては消え、常に量子レベルでも絡み合い繋がっているわけですが、
一方で、目に見える世界の多様性は、自己と他者が分離して、「自我」があるから「個性」があるから成り立っているわけで、
人が肉体を維持するためにも「自我」=自己のアイデンティティが必要で、境界線をはっきりとさせておくことも必要です。

最も自由な生き方とは

  • 全てが一つの状態の一体感も感じることができる
  • 一方で、しっかりと自我の境界線を引き、自分でもいられること
  • その自我にも固定せず、どんな自分にでも作り変えられる無限大に自由なアイデンティティを持つことができること

って、わかっているのです。
でも、あぁ、またとらわれていた・・・
う〜ん。

さて、明日の誕生日を前に、自分の殻を破って、羽の生えた自由な自分に再誕しま〜す。
幾つになっても、人は生まれ変われますね!

「Freedom!!!!!!!!!」

gull-591350_640

********
ストレスは、体臭口臭として現れる
Presidentオンライン・東洋経済など

各メディアで話題の書籍
↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓


『日本人はなぜ臭いと言われるのか〜体臭と口臭の科学』(光文社新書)
「におい」は健康のバロメーター
原因と対策を一挙公開!

《本書の中の「驚愕の事実」》
◆日常的に口臭がある人ほど、自分の口臭を感じなくなる。
◆一番嫌われるのは汗臭。若い女性の100%が「許せない」。
◆加齢臭やミドル臭は、食生活やライフスタイルが原因。
◆ケアしない口の中には4千億以上の細菌。濃度は便以上。
◆歯周病菌は、糖尿病、動脈硬化、認知症やがんにも関連。
◆強すぎる香水や芳香剤は、もはや「香害テロ」認定。
【内容】
調査によれば、在日外国人の7割が「日本人の口臭にがっかりした経験」があるという。

35歳以上の日本人の8割が歯周病とのデータもある。
無臭社会日本、と言われるが、本当にそうなのか。
「自分は臭わない」「外国人に比べれば体臭は少ない」との思い込みは正しいのか?
「加齢臭」「ミドル臭」「スメハラ」などの言葉が流行する昨今、
「気にしすぎ」と一刀両断してよいのか。
医師の視点でみると、口臭や体臭は、健康のバロメーター。
体の「危機」を知らせるシグナルだ。
表面的ではない、真のにおい対策は、根本的な健康増進につながるのである。
本書では、予防医学を専門とする内科医が、
そもそもにおいとは何かにはじまり、におい物質と嗅覚や脳の関係、
また口臭や体臭の種類や原因となる疾病と対策について、わかりやすく解説する。

ピックアップ記事

  1. 口臭・体臭の対策一挙公開!においからのヘルスケア

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PRESIDENT,東洋経済,日経ビジネスアソシエ他各メディアで話題沸騰。
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生活習慣で体臭も悪化する。悪臭に香害問題など、
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